But now change is swirling around me and changing my perspective like a blizzard; like falling snow. And it�s making me remember, it�s making me forget�
Yesterday, trapped in the car with Mom and Sophia and The Martian, I wrote this song.. in the dark� tears pouring down my cheeks. So I know it has no meter, and it�s really just a poem, but I wrote it thinking of singing it, so I�m going to call it a song, okay?
So�
Tears You Give Me [I�m Sorry]
I�m always wrong
Whenever you�re concerned
I�m always bad;
You know where to turn,
When you want someone to blame
When you�ve had a bad day
I�m the one you take it out on
I�m the one who
Suffers your pain even worse than you do
It�s every damn day
And I�m wasting away
Trying to find a way
To break down these walls
To make you love me
Do you even care at all?
Or am I just the wipping boy?
You�re pathetic little princess
Am I just the whipping boy?
Do you ever listen to me?
Why do you always treat me
Like a mindless slug
It feels like you hate me
You make it so hard for me to breathe
It�s just that you�re soffacating me
And it�s becoming so hard to be
The girl you expect of me
You tell me what you expect from me
And I work so hard to give you everything
But you tell me you hate me
(And you wish I�d forget to breathe)
It�s never enough, what I do
It�s never even close to you
I love my life confused
I spend my time afraid
I know I�m not enough
I know I�m not perfection
In your eyes
You never say you care
You tell me to leave you be
I haven�t got a prayer
When you say you love me madly
I haven�t got a prayer
Of being good enough
Built to satisfaction
I know I�m your biggest regret
I know I�m your major disappointment
I�m sorry you have to live with that
I wish you�d tell me that I�m okay
Do you spend your nights with one pray
Do you pray that I�ll disappear one day?
I don�t blame you
I know I�m a waste of breath
This is what you�ve reduced me too
And now I�m shutting out the rest
I would travel the end of the earth
If I thought it would change a thing
I�d travel the end of the earth
If I thought you�d be proud of me
But I know I can�t make that happen,
Or at least, I can�t make that last
I just want you to be happy
But that�ll never happen with me in the picture
So I want to say sorry for making you hurt me
My scars are deeper than yours
Cause I�ve got my own that you add to
And I�ve got some to put on top of
Those ones you gave me
So I want to say sorry
Cause it�s got to be said
I�m sorry you hurt me
I�m sorry I did bad
I�m sorry I make you hate me
Mama, I�m sorry
But I�m not ready to forgive you
Because of what you do
I�m not ready to forgive you
Because, you, too
Owe an apology
-------------------------------------------------------------
So. I was really upset when I wrote this. I actually cried� and I rarely cry.
Plus, I was in the backseat of a car, with mom driving, Sophia shotgun, and Martian sitting a foot and a half away. So that was a little dangerous.
But I wrote it until I ran out of thoughts, or forgot the one I was about to elaborate on, then I went back and I read though it until I was really silently sobbing, and wrote some more. That�s why this is so raw for me....
Because that�s why I write music. Because I have these raw emotions that I have nothing to do with besides bottle up, so instead I prod them and explore them until it hurts, and then write them down until I block them out.
In the middle of this one, I was bawling. But by the last few breaks, like where I�m talking about scars? Then I�ve pretty much burned the tears up and I�m angry. And so the parts where I apologize? That�s my flavor of irony. And it�s my way of pointing out how this sort of relationship affects not only me, but other kids stuck in similar situations. I think I may select this piece for 4n6 this year, cause I�m in poetry. Or not. It depends on how I look back at it�
Play tryouts tomorrow. Wish me luck. :) also cheer practice, last one before Tuesday�s meet! And Sophie�s b-day is on Friday� i�m looking forward to it, but I�m intensely nervous.
Kay, so that�s all for now.
Love from,
Anna
Quote of the day: �She wrote faithfully home to mama, �Oh Mama don�t you worry none! From small things Mama, big things one day come�� ~�From small things (Big things one day come)� by Bruce Springsteen, the Boss.
Quote number two: ��Can I say ,
"I wish that this weather would never leave"?
It just gets hard to believe
That god sent this angel to watch over me
Cause my angel
She don't receive my calls
Says I'm to dumb to Fuck
To dumb to fight
To dumb to save
Well, maybe I don't need no angel at all�
�Miami� by the Counting Crows
Ps: at ten oh one I made my traditional wish. I didn�t wish for Zach and Kelly to get together, (because I don�t believe in that wish� I can�t wish for something that isn�t quite my making. I can�t control people, even with my wishes and there are reasons for some things, that I shouldn�t mess with.) which, admittedly, doesn�t mean it didn�t upset me.
And I didn�t wish for My happiness, or anyone else�s.
I just did my new wish, vague and un-specific� �I wish everything will work out. I wish everything will be okay.�