Whenever I see Justin, I think �go out with Rachel�go out with Rachel� obsessively.
Whenever I see Zach, I think �Go away and don�t darken my doorstep again.�
(well, not quite that mean. More like �please don�t love me.�)
Guh. Then yesterday he called me� and in one five minuet conversation, he told me he loved me three times. (THREE TIMES!)
I know that when someone tells you they love you, you�re supossed to be happy and excited.
I am not. I am upset and angry.
We�re not even dating!!! What gives him the right to force that sort of stuff on me? (of couse, he�s been telling people that we ARE dating� just as frustrating.)
I made it perfectly clear when we were in Walmart that he was not my boyfriend, and he said �Yet.� And I shook my head and said �no. not yet.�
And then Leah tells me that he told her that we are defiantly boyfriend-girlfriend.
I don�t want to be a girlfriend. Not right now. I�m not ready for that. I�m not ready, I�m not ready, I�m not ready.
Ugh. Just ugh!
----------------------------------------------------
The other night I had this dream that I was at school, but I was in the boys� bathroom for some reason (but don�t worry� in my dream it was not the boy�s bathroom) anyway, I walked out of it and ran into Tyler. Then Tyler talked to me about something random, and I left to go to class. But on the way, my graphing calculator started ringing, so I picked it up. Tyler was calling me on my graphing calculator. (!) So I answered, and we talked for like half an hour� which was weird, because I didn�t end up being late for class. Then Mrs. PWJ got mad at me for coming in talking on my calculator, but I hung up and sat down in my seat before the bell rang.
But she wasn�t the only one mad. Appreently, I have a math class with the seniors, and The Angry Mexican was in the front row. (I was in the back.) He was pissed that I had been talking to a boy, but I don�t know why it was any of his business.
The other day, then, I told Tyler a part of my dream (aka: I called him on my graphing calculator.) he pulls out his cell phone and looks at it and says �Hey, I didn�t get your message!� like he�s all disappointed. I loaugh and say �That�s cause I called your calculator!�
�I didn�t know you could call me on my calculator! How�d you get that to work.�
�Oscar programmed them for me.�
�Oscar, my man!� Tyler says, slapping Oscar on the back. �I�m so glad! What took you so long?�
�I�m not THAT good with computers!� Oscar spluttered, and we laughed. Then Zach came along, as I was holding my pass out of class (Cause I had an upcoming dentist appointment).
�What�s that?� he asks,
And I say �my pass out of this place.�
And he asks �why? You�re not allowed to leave!�
And so I show him my pass and I say �Yes I am. Dentist!�
And he takes it out of my hand and says �there. Now you can�t go.�
�What? No! give it back!� I splutter. �I need that!�
�Only if you�ll go on a date with me.� He teases.
�I already told you, I�m busy all weekend!�
�Sunday afternoon! Your Sunday afternoon was free!�
Tyler grabbed my hand and pulled me to him, whispering in my ear. �Tell him that if you go on a date with him, I have to come.�
I giggled, and wrapped my arm around his shoulder, his around my waist. �Only if Tyler can come�
�What! No! what is this?!�
�Hey, you didn�t specify any terms and conditions!� I laugh. I love laughing with you.
Is it bad that I love laughing with you? I think it is. I think it is unthinkably terrible. I think my infatuation with the infratuents in my life is a horrible thing.
But how can something so good be so bad?
----------------------------------------------------
I need gum after lunch because I had cookies stuck in my teeth. (yeah, ik it�s gross.) so I was asking like EVERYONE for gum. And I guess that it was a bad week to ask, because guess what? No one had any! Argh! I even asked Hiro. �Hiro, do you have any gum?�
�Hmm?� he asks, raising his eyeborows. �oh, gum?� he thinks for a moment. �No, I�m sorry.�
�Aww, Hiro�� I pout jokenly. �You�re not my hero anymore.�
�I�m sorry. I�ll be your Hero soon, Okay?�
I laughed, and then we both walked away.
----------------------------------------------------
Here�s a song I wrote this morning� on the bus and in art� so if it�s crap, that�s cause it was REALLY early.
It�s only been five minuets
And you�ve told me that you love me
Three seprate times
I consider hanging up the phone
But I don�t want to be
The girl that breaks hearts.
My friends are split in half.
They say they�re so happy for me
Or they ask what the hell I�m doing
All my heart does is fool me
Can you tell me what I�m doing?
And I�d love to fall in love
But I don�t know if you�re the one
I don�t want to have to love you
Just because you love me
Love�s a crazy thing
Don�t you see
That you begging on your knees
Only scares me?
I want to love you for who you are
I want to love your rights
I want to love your wrongs
I want to love our little fights
But I don�t want to be
The girl that settles for anything
I don�t want to love you
I don�t want you to love me
Why do you have to make things so hard?
You�re making a fool out of me
I feel like a paying card.
And I�d love to fall in love
But I don�t know if you�re the one
I don�t want to have to love you
Just because you love me
Love�s a crazy thing
Don�t you see
That you begging on your knees
Only scares me?
----------------------------------------------------
Quote of the day: �I�m going to tell him you love him.�
�Don�t you dare, Justin!�
�
�I told him. And he was like �Really?��
�Justin!�
�No, actually I just asked him if he enjoyed your date, and he said he had lots of fun, and then I asked if he liked you and he was like �yeah���
----------------------------------------------------
Ps: Rachel, your perfect entry made me cry� it was beautiful.
PPS: I would pull out love, true, undying love that would cover the world like a blanket of fresh snow. Snow or sand or sunlight or cloud� whichever applies.
PPPS: Flight? Or invisibility�. For me it�s always split. And force fields� so I could protect everyone I love.