Ugh. So I went in today, gritting my teeth, and came out� not a goat.
Let�s start with a early morning scene�
I�m at my locker, stressing. (because what is my most often used hobby? Stressing.) so I move Tyler�s photos to the very top of my locker� (cause we decided the other day that the more Zach irks me, the higher Tyler�s picture goes. Like my stress level.)
Rachel comes up, so I walk to her locker and speak with her about Zach. It�s lost language to me now.
Flash to the cafeteria. Breakfast. I see him and will him to come over to me so I can get this off my chest before the test. He ignores my brain waves. Not that�s he�s heard them before.
Fade to the cafeteria again. Lunch line. I stand with Joe and Taylan and Hiro. Shelbell abandons me for cold lunch instead of a twenty minuet line. I don�t blame her. I talk to Kyle Wrestler and Hiro. Kyle got a baseball scholarship at a school he�s never even heard of before. I�m proud of him.
I talk to Hiro about a Halloween party, but he can�t come. :�( oh well. I stutter when I talk to him. Which is crazy cause I don�t stutter. And my hands were shaking so bad when I got back to the lunch table with Leah that my food falls off my fork. I tell her what Zach told me though Brad: that I had to chose him or Tyler. Leah tips her head backs and laughs out loud. I love her so much in that moment. It�s exactly what I needed, someone to find the humor in it, as well as the pain and obnoxiousness.
She comes with me, then drops behind when I need her too.
�Umm� well� um�� I say to him, my voice stuck on one rotating word. I clear my thought. �Um..�
Okay, I think, not working. �Can we stop? Right here?� I ask.
He nods and leans against the wall.
�Umm�� I hit my thigh to get myself talking. I look up at him over my glasses cause I�m not sure I can face him all the way. �We�re not dating.� I tell him. I feel my inner strength rise within me. You know, he makes me feel okay, and he makes me laugh my ass off� but I just don�t like him that way. I just don�t feel it. and I gave myself the chance to.. because I needed to. For me. And it just didn�t work the way I hoped it should have.
Anyway� �And um� anytime you make me chose between my friends? You�re going to lose. Every single time. It doesn�t matter who you are.�
and then Adam comes up, just as I was going to do my walking away bit,
and he says "Hey, are you two dating?"
and I manage to shrug them both off and walk away almost successfully, but then I feel like I have to throw up, from guilt, nerves, everything.
and then Leah finds me and tells me what he told her a moment later:
"So I guess this Means Tyler gets her, then." in his sad voice.
now, going into this, I knew there would be three possible reactions:
1. Sad
2. Mad
3. "Understanding."
I knew if he went with 3, I would be pissed at him, and if he went with one, I would be pissed at me.
if he went with 2, I figured I would be okay.
but he chose one.
Girr....
and, to top it all off...at the end of the day, as I�m walking to the bus, he calls me right off the edge of the stage door. and he's like "I didn't make you chose. You made that decision on your own."
And I threw words over my shoulder, saying, "I still stand by what I said. And I�m not a goat! no one won me, and no one will."
so he says "Except Tyler" under his breath,
(And I feel bad for this bit)
and I whipped around and just said "You know what? girls are supposed to be nice about this, but no! you're being immature! so you know what? here's what I got to say: it's not me, it's not fucking Tyler, it's you!"
and then I got on my bus and I left.
Thank God for Audrey� (and I mean this completely nom blasphemously)� if she hadn�t been there on the bus, I may have ripped someone�s head off.
Song of the Day: Facing Up- Kate Voegel
Quote of the Day: Tell me a story� And he does. Because he knows how much I need to hear him.
PS: from what I�ve learned� yes. It�s love. that impatience� that burn to see him. Try to slow down on the hill before you fall all the way. Find a parachute. I know that sounds obnoxious. But it�s what I had to say.
To my diary again: as much as I hate to admit it, he keeps showing up in my dreams, as my brother, as my friend. Not as my boyfriend, though. You have to believe me.