he promised to call me about a week ago.
he said he had my number, which made me happy, because mom's always like "anna, why do you always have to call him? why doesn't he ever call you"
and i think 'shut up, you so didn't care untill we wen't to the movies together, and i kind of liked it when you would ignore me so do it again!'
but i say like a good little girl "i don't know. maybe he doesn't have my number."
and i let her make me sad and worried and make my stomach tie itself in a big fat knot and i can't talk and i can't call him...
but then i do and my worries are gone for a few hours as he talks and i talk and we talk but never say anything that really matters in the end and then i'm afraid again when it's so late and i go to bed and i hold the pillow that smells like him and i cry.
now i can't call him because if The Bastard picks up i'll throw up and cody will get to hear me retching into the phone.
i mean "jerry".
who cares. i'm calling him cody now because that's who he is.
i need to talk to him and i need him to make me laugh and feel so special inside and i need to know that he's still there, and i guess i could talk to "leah" because she would know if he's still alive because she's always trying to get him to forget me and drive over to her apartment and do things that i don't want to think about.(even though he doesn't even have his lisense b/c of The Bastard)
which is exactly why i can't ask leah.
i don't think she's really a real threat.
i mean, i know she's not, but i still get a little worried about it, except not anymore because now all i worry about is him and not throwing up because i'm skinny enough for people to think i have an eating disorder anyway (which i don't) and throwing up on a regular basis does not help my image if you know what i mean. if i didn't have to worry about the eating disorder thing i would throw up because that's how i feel when i think of The Bastard.
2nd quote of the day: "STAB HIM!"
ahh... when is my next fencing practice?
*Jerry and Leah are fake names. Cody is not.
Also: **The B****** i'm sorry for not saying this sooner. my editor rachel pointed it out. TB is Cody's step-father. (Not step-dad. "Dad" shows affection.) Also, please excuse the use of "B******". I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but the name stays. There is no other name that suits The B******. The B****** doesn't even deserve a pronoun in my mind. So sorry if i used one before, but sometimes they slip out. Maybe from now on i'll just call The B****** "TB"... there. now i won't offend anyone. :-|