Trapped. Suffacating. Drowning.�
My chest is so tight in this house that it is all I can do to breathe. I hate it here. I hate being in this cage.�
I am stuck.�
I just got home this evening at 1:20 am. I have to get up for wrestling at aproximatly 6:00. My father was waiting up for me, yelled at me. Hoplessly, after being read the riot act, I left, and showered. I am now texting the beautiful boy I was out with (along with 2 other friends, my best, Ginny, and Harry as well), and I am upset that I am simply unloading. I am one of THOSE people now. I'll appoligise next message. I will.�
God. Look at me. All I ever do is say sorry.�
Durring dad's lecture, I got a "your life is falling apart."�
My life is not falling apart. I am falling apart. I am sick of devoting everything I am to please others. All I do is struggle to make everyone happy; to be the fun, beautiful, vibrant girl I'd like to be, but instead I am not that girl. I am a fool. I am a bumbling moron. I am annoying. I am untalented. I am not desired. I am a pest. I am a know it all. I am insufferable. I am horrible. I am a bad kid. I am not wanted; I am not able to make anyone happy. I am not good enough. That, my dears, is the anthem of my life. I am not good enough.�
I can't take the pressure that is being heaped on me. I can't take the frustration, the dissapointment, the expectations. I am under so much pressure, and it is comming from everything around me. It is comming from my courses, from classes filled with projects and assignments. It is comming from my principal, with these stupid three-times-a-week meetings in which he constantly reinforces the fact that he has no faith in my intelect or my ability to acheive. It is comming from my coach, who doesn't see what I am doing right, only what I am doing wrong. It is from my teammates, who broil with drama. It is from my friends, who spent this entire week ganging up on me and attacking me behind my back and ignoring me while glaring at me. It is from colleges, their expectations and requirements and deadlines. It is from scholarships, and the fact that I am falling drastically behind in the battle for financial help. It is the grim cloud of impossibly large and unmanaged financial burden that I will inherit after my college graduation. If is the need to fit in, to be wanted by the junior boys, and perhaps even a certain one. It is the need to be well liked. It is comming from my parents, them letting me down so often, and their favorism and their tratiorness and their need to put themselves and their rules before me, my needs.
But most of all of this, it is comming from me. I hate who I am. And I beat myself up about the slightest error. I am so critical of myself I am litterally afraid that I am on the brink of an eating dissorder. For real. The only thing seperating that beast from me is an invisible wall. One that I could reach my hand accross and brush it's mane.�
I cannot take this pressure. I cannot get out of this hell hole soon enough.�
It is as if I am a bone, splintering under all of this.�
And I cannot breathe. ��