i haven't eaten any lettuce, tomatoes, or even drank out of the faucet yet.
also, i feel so physociotic right now. i keep wishing at the moon. i say, "Moon, baby, give me a man, find me somebody to love." then this amazingly cute, funny guy, who i've been falling for for months, finaly wants me, and he practically asks me to prom, and i tell my Ex that absoutly nothing is going on between said handsomn boy and me. Why? he asks. because my "Best friend" doesn't like him. and i lost my best friend over a guy once, and i don't want to do it again.
but then, while i'm being this great, loyal friend, i find myself absoultly resenting the girl. Why? because she's changed. because i hate her boyfriend. because she's so idiotic and blind these days (Then again... that's nothing new). oh, and did i mention that SHE HATES THE GUY THAT I REALLY HONESTLY HAD A CHANCE WITH? did i mention that? that she totaly ruined that?
and you know what? I don't even know why i'm complaining. i mean, i don't even know if i like the guy anymore. and who's fault is that? i think i was about to let him in. and it was such a fucking mirical, because i'm such an idiotic BITCH. and the second any guy starts treating me nice, the second a guy shows anything past lust towords me, i slam the door in his face. and i'm going around, telling God that i don't want anything if not love, so He keeps giving me fucking chances to fall in love, and i spit in their faces.
So now i'm swiming with the sharks again, grapping straws cause they float, but none of them will hold me up...
oh! and did i mention that i am still completly in love with fucking AM? and i always, always, always, always will be. and i like that. i like how he is about that. and i like how i am about that. and i really like remembering him, and making new memories with him. And i hate it. i hate that he's the reson for the door-slaming in the first place. i don't know why. because he hurt me? i mean... that would be the answer if i were any other girl. but i'm not. i fully trust that i'm going to find someone and that no one will ever hurt me, or if they will, i'll be able to tell. why am i so sure? because I KNOW! the second i meet a guy, i know how i'll be around him. i know how i'll handle myself, how he'll handle me, if i'll ever like him or if things will never, ever, ever take off.
so i guess then that the reason must be that i don't want to replace him. instead i'm just going to make this freaky shrine in my heart and love him unconditionaly forever. and i don't want that. i mean, if he'll love me too, that's fine and dandy.
but he won't. and i'm grabbing straws again, thinking he will but he wont.
and i am so stupid.
and i feel like such a god-damned hypocrite.
because i try to be a super-firend, but i hate you.
i try to find love but i spit at you.
i try to hate you but i love you.
and i try to get a fucking date to prom but i just turn everyone down.
so what the hell. maybe i'm compleatly round the bend.
Quote of the day: "I hate my life."
"I hate your life, too."
"If i had a life, i'd hate it."
Quote two: "Anna, that plot has been done to death."
"So what, el Pompis? it's what i know. i know love. i know heartbreak. i know people. i know how people think, i know how they click. why shouldn't i do a character study, if all i know is character?"
"But still... break the mold!"
"I did! she dies! "
"And she dies in a million other books, too."
"a million other books people read."
"So..."
"So why not milk it for all it's worth? why not try to make money?"