So I�ll talk about�..
Hmmm�.
Okay. Indecisiveness.
I can�t decide what I think of you. It�s so strange to call you my (Gulp) boyfriend. It�s a shock. And this jump from zero to sixty in two seconds is scaring me to death. Like, someday, if we were going any slower, we�d be going backward� and we nearly are. We�ve run out of things to talk about.
And then somedays you�re like�there! Continuisouly! I never have any me time! And we still have nothing to talk about!
You say I keep secrets. That�s cause I�m not ready to open up to you yet� don�t you get that? And your carefree attitude seals me a little deeper inside. What Kyle said gets to me. That way Kyle hates you gets to me. Because I�m sorry, but kyle knows me like the back of his hand. And we�ve been tight since The AM left me and Tissue left him and we got stuck doing consession stand together.
God. You asked me out and I was happy and then I went to bed and as I slept my fucking heart threw up twenty miles of stone walls. And you�re not breaking them down. When my mind is screaming for you to break them down you ignore me. When my mind is annoyed at you, you stay by my side.
My journal entry from yesterday at school, if you please:
Tyler is my boyfriend. And he�s being obnoxious. And I really want to give him a chance. I do. Really really. I want to fall in love. I�m ready to fall in love.
I just don�t think that he�s the one anymore. To tell you the truth, I do know who I want to fall in love with. And he�s my best friend. But he�s got a girlfriend, and he�s not going to leave her for me. See, cause that�s the girl I am.
I�m the girl that a boy COULD love� just not enough to be there for me to the point of leaving another girl for me.
And trust me� I don�t want to be the home-wreaker. I really don�t. and I don�t want a boy to waste his life holding out for me and me only.
But at the same time I want that from my best friend. More than anything.
And I don�t. I want him to be happy. And I want his girlfriend to be happy. I want them to get married.
But more and more and more, I want her to disappear from his life, so I can be happy, too. So I can marry him myself.
I don�t even WANT to get married. Not yet, not for a long long time.
But this ever-expanding part of me wants to marry him.
Which is sooo very aweful. I know.
Oh, God. I sound so retarded. I�m sorry.
I just want to be happy. And the only time that happens for me is when I�m talking to him, or hanging out with him, or being with him.
Which is so sad and depressing I hate myself for it.
-----------------------------------
The other day I was missing him. I know. I hate that too. Right now you�re probably thinking I�m stupid and I need to get a grip on this� you�re probably yelling quietly at your computer saying �Anna! Don�t waste this! Don�t go for him! Control Anna, control!� and I agree with you completely. I just cant get all of me to listen quite yet.
But anyway� continuing the story�
I finally got to talk to him in the hallway right before class. �Kyle!� I said. �It�s been so long! You don�t call�. You don�t write��
He lausghs. � I missed you, too, Anna.�
Then the next day, at lunch, he came and sat by me when it was just me and C there. Jam joined us, I think� anyway�
�Anna�I miss you�� (He says, joking.)
�I know. I never see you anymore.� (I say, Joking)
�I never call� I never write��
I giggle.
Then he�s suddenly serious. �Actually, do you have a web cam?�
�No.� I say, because I don�t.
�Oh.� He says.
�Why? Do you?�
�Yeah. we could talk more.�
�I think I�ll ask for one next year. So we can talk while you�re in collage.�
He smiles. �that�d be really great.�
Then Jam asks what we�re talking about, so we change the subject.
Quote of the week: �Oh my god, his beans are falling out!!!!�
(That�s from Spanish class� yeah. I know.)