i'm trusting you right now.
I feel alone
I feel like Leah�s abandoned me. Or is ignoring me. Like maybe she�s punishing me� only I have no idea what for.
And Shelby is ignoring me. Not on porpoise. Only because Leah is. And she follows Leah these days. And tells her every secret she has. I�m not allowed to hear them. Maybe she thinks she can�t trust me?
And then there�s the whole Raquela thing. Yeah, I get that everyone feels like she�s being exclusive, but I don�t have that problem�
Oh who am I kidding? I don�t really have anyone to talk to, because no one wants to listen. Shelby wants to talk about Raquela or Movie Boy or school. Leah has three subjects: Wall, Raquela, And Wall. And Raquela wants to talk about her other friends. Or her boyfriend. O her. But not me. They don�t have time for me, and believe this is perfectly normal behavior. They don�t even notice. Which begs the question, do they even care?
See, cause that�s who I am in the group; the odd one out. Everyone else pairs off and forgets about me.
And the other day during Bio? When Shelby and Max and Blair were all talking about Raquela? Calling her a slut because she actually TALKS to boys? Spazzing because of her friendship with Sam? I�d hate to hear what they say about ME.
And apparently, the other day, during CCD, everyone decided it was perfectly fine to discuss my terribleness for supporting abortion. But you know what? That�s who I am. It�s MY beliefs. I don�t hate THEM for disagreeing with me. So why can they hate me?
It makes me want to throw up.
And then there�s James. And how I�m kinda really confused. Like� I don�t care if he�s not a virgin. I really don�t. I mean� I would be really happy if he was, but I don�t feel like it�s bad if he�s had a sexual relationship, like with his Old GF. The thing that bothers me is that I�m not sure that he�s not having sex now. I mean, when he claims that he has, that�s total bull-shit� I�m 90% sure. It seems like he�s just bragging to impress people. Cause he seems sweet, the type of guy who, if e actually did have a real sexual relationship with a woman he cared about, wouldn�t talk about it.
He likes me. I like him. But I don�t think we�re going to actually be in a serious relationship, at least not for a while. And if we are? Is he going to want to have SEX? Am I?
I don�t feel like I�ll be a bad person if I have sex before I get married. But I don�t just wan tot have it with ANYONE. Not unless we�re really committed and in love and all. I mean� I�ll know when I�m ready. but that time sure as hell isn�t now.
And I�m scared. And lonely. And hopeful. And hurt. And maybe ready to love someone again?
Quote of the Day: You make me feel so empty.